Conspiracy theories are considered by many to be the epitome of stupidity and paranoia. And I understand why. Drawing connections between distinct events that don’t exist seems pretty inane. Conspiracies around coronavirus don’t seem to be any different. Just making stuff up and saying that it’s clearly the only explanation. But that’s where you’re wrong. You see, at first glance, many conspiracy theories seem dumb. But trust me, if you just fetch your tinfoil hats and suspend your disbelief, I think I can make these theories make sense.
So let’s start with a simple one. Coronavirus was made by the Chinese government in league with the Illuminati to control the world population. Alright, so where do I start. This must seem really dumb. I mean, does the Illuminati even exist? Well my dear readers, of course it does. How can you explain the pyramids? The Sphinx? Or what about the moon? You think those are man-made, or in the case of the moon, natural? Of course they aren’t. They were built by a race of alien lizard men that hatched from the moon, which is an egg, and now control the world. They built the Sphinx and they built the pyramids. So with so much power, do you really think it’s a stretch to say that they also made Corona? Of course it isn’t. It’s obvious at this point. And now that I’ve proven this one, everything else will start to make sense.
So now for a more interesting one. Where does Bud Light fit in with this? Well, Corona Beer has suffered as a result of Coronavirus. Americans aren’t known for being the sharpest tools in the shed, and they fear buying Corona will give them Corona. Or it could just be that China is one of their largest markets. The fact that many people in China are staying home to avoid getting Corona is preventing them from purchasing copious amounts of Corona. No, it’s definitely dumb Americans. The most sensible explanation is often wrong. So who profits from this “corona-phobia?” Bud Light of course. They are the next biggest brand that sells beer. And I think that Bud Light paid the Illuminati with human sacrifices to make coronavirus and spread it around the world in order to cripple Corona.
Now for the final conspiracy. Who was orchestrating this at an Earth level? After all, the Illuminati watches us from the international space station, so who was running things on Earth? None other than Gretta Thunberg. Who else could it be? It’s not like you could possibly argue that it just happened naturally like the Spanish flu or the black plague. Who wants to stop environmental pollution? Gretta Thunberg. Who wants to save the polar ice caps? Gretta Thunberg. Who’s secretly an alien shape-shifting lizard person? Gretta Thunberg. And has this plan worked? Yes. Dolphins are returning to Venice, cities all over the world have much less smog in the air. Most importantly, the economy is collapsing so all those evil evil factories can’t operate anymore. I think I've proven this one.
Now, while I know it’s not the best time to remind everyone, I hope you were keeping your tin foil hats on. The government may have read your mind and could be on the way to arrest you and wipe your memory. But remember, reality is an illusion and we are all secretly slaves to lizard overlords. That’s all, don’t forget to like and subcr… oh wait, never mind.